God on high, hear my prayer. In my need you have always been there.

2012-01-25T22:07:00.003-06:00

Depression sucks. It doesnt hurt me but it sure messes up my life. Just because I can identify that I am feeling blue does't mean I can shake it, turn my frown upside down and be my "old self" again. However, because I can identify that I am feeling blue means that I can try harder to fix my thoughts, to be proactive and not let the depression win. So today I ate, tried to laugh and did my best to remove myself from sadness/let it happen and MOVE ON. If I let it win, if I sit and wallow in depression I end up falling into old habits. I was miserable back then. Here's hoping being proactive is the way to go!

Waiting part 2

2012-01-19T21:37:00.000-06:00

Waitbe patientbe stillpauserest. Rest assured that I have a plan. Stay. Stay here where I need you to be.abideexpect. Expect that the promises I have made for you will come to fruitionhold onremainsave it. Save those emotions, that love. There IS something in the future. watchstick around. Stick around...watch what happens next!lie in waitanticipate. My plans are HUGE. Far larger than the ones you desire. Anticipate the bigger picture.Did you know that in Hebrew and Spanish, the word for wait is the same? (Spanish is espera)

Waiting.

2012-01-16T22:01:00.003-06:00

There are many things I have been praying for. So many things my heart desires and I have asked...and quite literally BEGGED...God for.
I have a problem with desiring instant gratification.
I want to know the future now
I would like to know what Gods plans for me are
I want to have someone to love, and to love me in return

I want. I have. I. I. I. What a selfish, unthankful girl that I seem to be from all that! But thats not what I intended to write.

God told me to wait this weekend. Thats it. Wait.
Simple huh?
Did you read everything that I just wrote? Thats CLEARLY the opposite of simple to me. I REALLY had a hard time accepting that Saturday. It put me in a mood. It made me cry. And then I got to worship

Oh Im running to your arms, Im running to your arms. The riches of your love will always be enough. Nothing compares to your embrace. Light of the world forever reign!

Wait for the Lord whose day is near. Wait for the Lord. Be strong, take heart.

Whom you love, I'll love. Who you serve I'll serve in this life I live I will follow you!

After a night of worship like we had, I couldn't help but know that God was the absolute truth and that in the word "wait" was a promise.

Oh daughter, wait. Wait and do not hurry this gift of today. Tomorrows troubles will be numerous, don't rush them. Wait here where I have put you. There is a future for you. But here is where you need to stay. When the time is right. Until then, rest, pause, be content and wait. I never forget a promise.

2011-11-06T14:38:00.003-06:00

I really wish the title of this post could be "Always a Bridesmaid, never the bride" but I just don't feel that way! I am so happy for friends who get engaged its crazy!
This weekend, I found out my lifelong friends Kristen and Jonathan got engaged. Those stinkers kept it to themselves for a whole WEEK! Kristen, sweet girl that she is, has asked me to be a bridesmaid! How exciting!

Cue the diet thoughts.
Cue the OBSESSIVE diet thoughts,

I have 279 days until their wedding. aka just over 39 weeks. Im setting some HIGH goals here and going for 1 pound a week. This is no joke. Ive already begun "better" habits simply for health reasons. Now I have a HUGE motivator-dont be the incredibly obese bridesmaid.

I love goals. I love making them. I SUCK at keeping up with them. Hopefully I can change this into a habit.

here goes

2011-11-01T20:31:00.002-05:00

Well, October happened and I didnt Blog.
And the world didnt end haahaha!
But its November now. To some, its no-shave november, to others its Movember (in honor of Mens Health month). For me its Challenge Month.
Ive decided to challenge myself to a few things
1. Post a "thankful" post to facebook everyday
2. Do this really short workout everyday (in addition to walking with Bob)
3. Drastically cut down on how much fast food I eat each week (2x or less)
3. Drastically cut down on how many cokes I drink each week (3 or less)
4. Finally get my room clean. I've honestly been giving this a half-effort since September but its hard to keep up with. I also can see hoarder tendencies in the way/fact that Im NOT cleaning so this MUST end. And soon.

So these are my goals. Maybe they are pre-resolutions. Thats ok. Why wait for the new year?

2011-09-22T21:42:00.002-05:00

Started a book study with the HS girls about praying for their future husbands, praying for themselves while doing it. So excited to share the book with them as it encourages their prayer lives.
I have been so content being single, feeling blessed by the freedom it has allowed me lately in my work and in my free time
but today
today
today, all i want is a date to see The Lion King.

Do I have anyone special in mind? No, God hasn't shown me anyone yet. But I had to tell someone and this venue seemed to be the best...no only way to share it.

Really, I need an excuse to get all dolled up and be pretty for me...not someone else! ME!

Being single is frustrating! Oh my.

My other Best Friends Wedding

2011-09-19T14:18:00.003-05:00

Lets just start by stating that a girl can have (and needs) more than on best friend. Im pretty sure I have 5...though we havent ever sealed it by getting "Best Friends Forever" necklaces that break in half and remind us of each other. I think they are wonderfully cheesy tho hahaha!

Last year, I was maid of honor to my college roommate. Classic best friend story yeah? It was great fun and a memory of that will be in my heart always.

This past weekend, I was there for my oldest friends wedding. She didnt have a wedding party (in classic Mandy "i dont do things like Americans do" fashion) but did surround herself with her friends. I was honored this weekend to be among them and have a hand in the ceremony (close friends walked the aisle, prayed with them during the ceremony and I was in charge of the train!). The intimacy of this ceremony was like none I had ever seen or been a part of. It was beautiful and classy and unique. Perfect.

But there were many moments that made me think. Mostly about the traditional "Mother of the Bride" jobs. I know Im not one to speak on typical family roles, I'll be the first to admit that I'm not as close to my family as I would like to be...but that its my fault as much as theirs, however there are some VERY important things I want my mom to be involved in as/if my life got to the part where I get married.

1. Dress Shopping
2. the rehearsal
3. getting ready
4. changing into the "get away" dress

I also know that she will make me crazy in all of that. ALL of it. Its who she is, its our relationship. Its what I expect. And thats ok. But it is my desire to have all of that. And until then, to grow our relationship. Because I love my friends. They are the family i chose. But the family I grew up with, the one I was born into....they deserve work too.

2011-08-14T23:25:00.002-05:00

So a LOT has happened since I last blogged.

1. I quit my job
2. I got a job that pays 3x my old one (Im the nanny to Austin and Adaline-3 month old twins!)
3. I decided that I am worth it. "It" is respect and complements and love and time and and and. Im trying to find confidence in myself and exude that confidence.
4. Im doing my best to pray more. Because my mind is doing its best to worry more. I cant stand how much im worrying-and its getting me nowhere fast. I also have some very specific things on my heart that I need to pester God with :)
5. I moved back in with my parents. As much as im loving the free food and the U-Verse tv, I am so ready to be on my own....again. I love my family and it is nice seeing them more often but I am 23.....OH so close to being 24! I have goals of catching up on my loan payments, putting money in my savings account (again) and getting my own place. (one that takes dogs....i also plan on having a dog)
I think that about sums it up for now!

2011-06-12T13:56:00.003-05:00

I know I put FAR too much stock in people liking/being pleased with me and I know I need to look to God for ultimate approval but I really hate that I've done something wrong.

I feel like a little kid again.

2011-05-30T23:13:00.002-05:00

oh heavens. I have got to figure out this weight-loss thing. I eat too much junk but still not enough "points" for weight watchers, loss doesnt happen fast enough for me, I dont exercise as regularly as i should.

But its HARD WORK. emphasis on the work part. There is a lot of me to lug around. Shit, howd I let myself get this way? I disgust even myself! I look at the people on weight loss shows and im jealous of their support system, of the fact that they have someone to push them. Im jealous of the results, the time they get to spend working out and the real tips they get on eating.

theres so much in my life that my weight is holding me back from. plus if my body is Gods temple, what am i saying about God? ugh. i wish i had someone to talk to this about. i feel like my mom sets me up to fail, and i learned from the best so.......

2011-05-08T21:31:00.002-05:00

Sometimes I get overwhelmed. I don't want to get out of bed or do anything. My thoughts begin to doubt the people who love me and the positive things they say and instead, I begin to think about....no dwell on every negative thing ever.

Its tough

And even though I can now see that Im slipping, that Im not happy anymore.....again.......the climb back to the top of this valley is ridiculous. Its mostly quicksand and tiny handholds that I can barely grip. I cry out to God, expecting this majestically large hand to reach in and then I can grab onto the edge of His pinky nail and He pulls me out. When this doesn't happen, I sink further, the light at the top becomes dimmer and dimmer and I swear nothing but the thought that God won't leave you, all things happen to His glory, that nothing I go through in life is useless is the only thing that keeps me going. My faith, my hope keeps me from giving up.

But right now, that faith is shaky. It is so hard to believe that God really has a plan for me. I never thought about life this far ahead besides the typical desire to marry and have a family. I never planned what job I would have or gave myself goals. Its a weird feeling but its like God didn't either. I feel like it doesn't matter to Him what I do, what moves I make, what path I take. I feel invaluable to this amazing being that gave His son up for me and now its like I have disappointed Him and he doesn't care. He is punishing me. And Im just sitting here, wondering what I can do to make Him happy, to be in his favor again so my life can once again have joy and peace and love.

This is where Im living. In a constant state of questioning things, life, love, trust, people. Everything. This place Im living, I hate it. Anyone got answers to my questions?

the nice guys

2011-05-03T09:00:00.004-05:00

In the youth group I volunteer with, there is this trio. 2 guys and a girl. They are all great friends and spend a lot of their time away from the yg with each other when they can. Each member trio makes me laugh, confides in me and has taught me in their own ways.

They also wrapped my car in saran wrap and stole it. Two separate occasions.

So, to "repay" me for their pranks, they took me on a geocache where the end result was a present they put together for me! A sweet note, some smell-good stuff, a gift card to the best cupcake shop on earth AND a bracelet that says "faith, hope, love" to match my tattoo

Let me first say that Im really glad they know how much those words mean to me. Period. I mean, I know why I got them permanently placed on my body but I also know I dont articulate thingsto the degree that I want to. They searched for this bracelet because they knew.

Anyway, next to each word is a small picture faith has a cross, love a heart and hope, well hope has an anchor. I love hope. Its my favorite. Hope is what keeps the Disney magic in me going, the fun, colorful parts of me that people seem to love? Thats hope. Hope is an anchor for faith. I LOVE that imagery. The disciples hoped that they would make it through the storm and while Jesus said they had little faith He never said they didnt have any. I think the little that they had was strung on hopes anchor.

A hand to hold, A shoulder to cry on

2011-04-19T18:52:00.002-05:00

thats what Im missing about my HU friends right now. Someone who can be there further than the pity drinks they are so willing to buy.

These are the times when I miss sonic runs, and the dorm and walks around campus and so many more other times of randomness when My friends and I got to just be there for each other. Im so jealous of those moments! Anyway....if you read this, say a prayer for me. These next two days arent going to be the easiest in my life. I truly hate funerals.

Booty Camp

2011-04-17T21:34:00.002-05:00

ok, its not really called booty camp, thats just what we've nick-named it...you know cos it will kick you in the booty? ha...ha?

I completed my first full week (4 days) this past week. Boot camp actually started the week before...and so did I but then came down with the WORST sinus infection ever! So this week was my first full week. I really enjoyed it! As sore as I come out of it, I can already feel a change in myself- for one thing, I don't tire as easily! During the workouts, and after all I crave is water so that has helped as well. I really like learning new exercises and challenging myself...which lets face it aint hard. Its really hard to move all this weight around to try and do some of these things though. I can see now that this is going to be a journey. It won't be easy to lose this weight-its going to take work. A lot more work than I thought but I feel up to the challenge.

I just bought a swimsuit because the youth group is going to the beach in two weeks. I know that miracles wont happen between then and now, but 5 pounds will make a difference! 10 pounds would be fabulous. We will see real life ain't like The Biggest Loser! Anyway, I felt bad this weekend because I didnt work out Friday or Saturday....however I did a LOT of housework Saturday so I think that counts towards my goal. I just did a 30 min. mini workout while watching TV. It felt good to be moving again and I think Ill make it a goal to do that more often!
I will be ready for camp
I will walk up the hill more often this year!
I will be able to do regular burpees soon!
I will eat healthier!
I can and I will!

2011-03-26T13:36:00.003-05:00

I had two teeth removed on Thursday morning.
No complications, no pain really, I felt fantastic the day after (yesterday) and went out to eat with my friends.
Today however. Today I feel/felt like crap. All the energy and life I had yesterday was ZAP gone and Im now back in bed, resting and hoping that I can get some things done today. Ugh! Im not liking this feeling at all.

2011-03-16T22:18:00.002-05:00

i am RIDICULOUSLY dependent on facebook and twitter for entertainment. Its official. and annoying. However, having the constant feeling to check on everything there makes me want to check in with God and talk to him....so i guess this fasting of sorts is working.

however i did click onto twitter twice today, simply out of habit. my iphone doesnt want me to miss out on social media lol!

in other news, i was hit on at church today. no, not for real (at least i really dont think so) but since a friend is in town from school, we went out for gelatto! We did debate between beniegts and that for a second and the theme of "something sweet" came up and this guy i never met said "it doesnt matter where we-we've got you!" bahahahahahahahahahahahhahahhahahahahahahahaha

im still awkwardly laughing about that.
oh man.

2011-03-16T06:18:00.002-05:00

its about 6:20 am wednesday morning and i want to be on twitter. i need someone to know that blackbird is one of my favorite songs ever and it made my heart happy to hear Kurt sing it on Glee.

seriously? who am i to force everything in my brain on someone else?

anywho, ive given up Twitter and facebook for the next three days so i can pray about a interview that I will have on Friday. So im doing my best to focus on God and NOT on fb and twitter.

its 6:24 and I really want to tweet about it. ugh

2011-03-08T09:06:00.002-06:00

Yesterday was a terrible, horrible, no good very bad day. I wanted to move to Australia and pick my toes to get away from life yesterday. But then something strange and awesome happened

A friend called. And while I had been begging for a phone call or a text from a close friend, God once again gave me Mac n Cheese instead of plain bread. He gave me conversation, encouragement, a sympathetic....no an empathetic ear to the struggles I had encountered that very day. Now, who knows why L called me? He claimed it was to right the wrong of the fact that we hadnt spoken in a year (not because of a fight just because as adults with jobs we are....busy) and that was good and wonderful and Im so very glad to hear his voice and hear that he is alright but I needed someone who was with me in my trench to talk to and God gave me that.

God is awesome!

Marching on

2011-03-01T08:18:00.003-06:00

I didn't blog in February. I tried to. I wrote lots of things then I would leave the page because nothing was going anywhere. It seemed so pointless. Plus, so much happened. I cannot possibly begin to expound upon that but lets just say that my imaginary readers are lucky that I didnt whine about Valentines day, my new job or rising gas prices.

In just 6 short months, I will be 24. 24.....ummm what? Thats no longer "early twenties" thats well on the way to "mid-twenties". Ummmm seriously? I cannot possibly be nearing mid twenties because people in their mid twenties know what they want to do with their lives. They have life goals, 5 year plans, spouses...sometimes even children. Me? Im perfectly content with saying "Im here for now because God said stay. I know He wants more from me one day and Im biding my time until He says go". But even people at church look at me funny when I say that. My parents are good about it though, still very supportive. However there is a part of me that is saying "What kind of terrible, lazy daughter are you to not go get a job that pays back all your student loans by the time youre 26 and then you can pay back your parents for everything, save money and be able to give freely?". That part of me is easily silenced with the part of me that likes to be crafty (because shes louder than analytical Courtney) but she is still there, naggingly perfect in her work suit and low-heeled practical shoes, representing so many people who need me to be more and can't find it in themselves to trust with me that God has a bigger plan than we can see. So im marching on. Continuing each day praying that I am doing the right things while God shows me that I am. While he shows me that being trusted can be overwhelming because I cannot solve anything without His help and guidance. While he shows me that working CAN be fun, you ought to enjoy what you do and that whatever people say about what you ought to do-it doesnt matter as long as you LISTEN to what God says "here is what I want you to do"

Job Wanted

2011-01-24T17:53:00.001-06:00

35-40 hours and at least 9$/hr
need to have weekends off
must be able to work camp two weeks
and spend all the time i want/need/can with the teens.

pray for me

2011-01-22T14:04:00.001-06:00

I want to, one day be on The Biggest Loser.

I want to, one day be at a point in my life where The Biggest Loser doesn't want me bc Im only a few pounds overweight.

what crazy goals i have

uncertainty

2011-01-19T20:55:00.002-06:00

I don't believe that God promises certainty for our lives. He promises a certain finish, he promises that when we follow Him, our lives work out to His purpose but he doesn't say "Follow me and nothing will ever be shaky. Follow me and change will be a piece of cake and not knowing what tomorrow will bring is like a surprise for you everyday." Nope. Unless you subscribe to the book of 1 Courtney 24 (its after the chapter where I wonder aloud at God why there aren't any unicorns), then there isn't any assurance that life is smooth sailing. I think the story of Peter walking after Jesus on the water is a primo example of that-Here Peter is with Jesus everyday and even he gets distracted by the waves and they begin to overtake him. It isn't until he asks for help that Jesus helps him but when Peter asks, there isn't a moments hesitation. God plans to be there for us when those waves start to crash in.

I feel like uncertainty is the theme of my week so far. I got back from an awesome, uplifting, spiritually challenging weekend and have had several rugs pulled out from under me. The rug of a job, the rug of my housing situation. So many things have been tossed up in the air, I almost feel like I ought to jump up there with them. But this all makes me so much more grateful for the weekend I just had, for the rock in this storm that God is being and that I feel utterly dependent on Him for my decisions. Because I would be freaking out even more than I already am about this. Im in prayer over so many things right now-what DO i do with my life now? Is this the time for a change? Where does God want me right now? and billions more. Luckily I believe that God hears these constant questions and as I give each one up to him, I feel unburdened all over again.

Old goals, bigger reasons

2011-01-13T18:57:00.002-06:00

My goals (resolutions) for this year just got real. Like real real. I just gave away my swimsuits to goodwill. The youth group is going to the beach in April. Therefore, I need to purchase a new swimsuit by April. Will it be in the size I am now? FUCK NO. Im also not sorry for that language. Because I mean it. Also, sometime this summer a few will be participating in Wilderness Trek. I know what youre thinking. Courtney, do you REALLY want to climb a mountain and not be connected to...anything for a week? And the answer is....yeah. I didnt go when I was in high school-I let people talk me out of it but not this time. Even if I cant take the time off of work, Id like to be healthy enough to contemplate it.

So there we go. swimsuit season now looms upon us all......

I have a new obsession

2011-01-11T15:02:00.003-06:00

Of course, its expensive. But its fun and makes me feel good.

I know you're all (or is it just you?) dying to know what it is

its Corks N Canvas. For 35$ I sit for two hours, have a glass of wine with my friends and get taught how to make a masterpiece! I absolutely love it. Ive been twice now and can honestly say that it's one of the best things Ive done in a while

this was my finished product from the private party i attended on Saturday. Way fun, cute, I added my own style (no mustard yellow-the light blue/purple color is a CDM original) and the painting is hanging in my living room! Anyway, if anyone ever feels like visiting lil ol me....this is SOOOO one of the things we will be doing. Just thought you ought to know :)

2011-01-09T22:36:00.002-06:00

Crushes, even tiny little ones , make life difficult. I even prayed about it. Thats right, I asked God to take these feelings away because Im not ready and Im sure the feelings aren't reciprocated. I guess now isn't the time He wanted them gone. Oh well.

In other news. I am looking for a second job. I was planning on doing this anyway, just a few hours somewhere but cutbacks at work have made it priority because student loans won't pay back themselves. Its amazingly ridiculous how expensive life is. Im not paying rent and I am still broke every month! Of course, one day I won't have to worry about all these bills. They will be paid back and I will be a happy camper....with other bills but hopefully no more than basic living expenses.

At the end of this week Im going to Florida! So excited to spend the weekend worshipping, learning and spending time with some of my favorite people. Weekends like this are always a great encouragement to me! Even if the beach will be freezing cold, we are staying in some NICE condos and will still be in Florida. Where will YOU be?

temper temper

2011-01-07T13:26:00.002-06:00

you know how sometimes you want to kick and scream and throw yourself on the floor and you know it wont help but it seems like it could?
me too
this is my version of an "adult" temper tantrum

.s dfkwgAE,GBEKFJNJWh fiufnvbvkjabdyhajkahgi8wguyaergj df,hjvgae89yu3bjhaebfilD v z nsIOc JAKhsdjShfvjzdbvjkZVycShjbvSJHvhSYfzbvkbgfRWbvDSZkjAfjopl/higewseorSfiwkSHebtiuehgiBDvjasvhjtnekhnjkvkAJbem,rnhklSGdvuykSGajr .ekjtrhbuinvm,dng;ioHdvjlw FJKSGFGLJVBWEFBSKJV B,ASHJKAwbkldgvjkanc.sdgfnm a,vca,sdmnhfukaVjefnlwgAVdkjbawjlrhbsnmdv sdkjrghbjrts bn.msdjbem,f bkjDkjs. m,.sn bnASBdjkS fm,nkjvhbsmn fM>sbcjkZ cm.ABjkAMS jKSDB A cjkZ cA cjk BNbj.s bkaz c.vabdfjksbm,rgABdlbw;fj
n bjkdnmnzdlbkjs f/vjhtnvm,sd jkgsdj,.nsjbms dv.ZBvmxz fdbm.dfnmb fkgb nmsb vbSDbjkjkgdsbjfAjAJLfnlADVnvlvbjlnzdvz jkxcvjkshvNvbc zxkfbhalkdblskdfbjsdnvbjkgvdjkbsdlfhjkSVlkwbjksdnfjksh

hitting a keyboard is VERY theraputic

New Years Resolutions

2010-12-31T12:01:00.002-06:00

1. Lose weight (good thing Ive already started doing Zumba and my sister is a great encourager!)
2. Keep better in touch with friends. I realized Ive been complaining about feeling disconnected and lonely and its my fault! I need to ask about everyone instead of waiting for everyone to tell me!
3. Be a kinder teacher. I have a temper sometimes.
4. Read my Bible and pray more. Pray for others, myself and just talk to God in general.
5. Decorate my room. Ok, so its more of a desire than a resolution but hey, maybe itll stick!

2010-11-28T23:27:00.002-06:00

Once upon a summer, I made a friend. I had never made a friend like this-we were always together (as long as each of us weren't working). We talked about things. God-things, shallow things, things I had never discussed with anyone else. We talked on the phone. We ate together, read together and laughed together.
A little over a year ago, he went to jail. He began a five-year sentence for something I still can't fully wrap my head around, for pain that was inflicted on him. We had been out of touch for a few months, keeping conversations light and to the point. But one day I received a phone call that I hope I never have to go through again. I was wrought with emotions that week. I was leaving my wonderful job, getting ready to return to school and then this huge bomb. I'm still not entirely sure what I felt that week, but I know that I cried, I prayed and I thought a lot about him.
This summer, at the very beginning, before I knew I forgave him at all, I went to see him. As soon as I left Baton Rouge, everything told me to go back, but a still, small voice told me I could. I did. I made it. Without tears and with forgiveness. It can surprisingly easy!
I wish that I could say with that forgiveness, my mind forgot him, that my heart let him go. Unfortunately that isn't true. I want it to be so. I want it to be so bad. I want to not cry when I think about him. I want to forget. But I have decided that when I think about him (or about anyone really) to say a prayer. It is calming. It makes me feel better. It doesn't let me forget.

I wish I could

2010-11-14T19:48:00.002-06:00

It has been so long since I went on a youth retreat of any sort. This weekend, I went as a *gasp* ADULT! I know, right? The theme of the weekend was "seriously" and we discussed several "churchisms" that are tossed around and how we are supposed to live them out etc....a good topic.
Things I expected from this weekend
-to be cold
-not to have any time to myself
-to serve in any way needed
-to not sleep well
And I got all of those! What I didn't expect was for God to speak to me. This was a weekend for the teens, for their walks. I suppose I should just begin to expect that all the time. I've noticed that, since I adknowledged my placement in the desert and started to rely on God the tiniest bit more, life goes a little smoother. This weekend, we discussed relationships with friends in a comparison to what God desires from us. I've heard that lesson a MILLION times but I don't think it ever spoke so clearly as it did on Saturday. And then, a God-thing happened. My best friend butt-dialed me. Now, I didnt get to speak to her but through the texts that came after that, we have made plans to catch up via a phone call this week. Coincidence? No! It was God. And then, today when we came back from the retreat, my old youth minister and his wife were at church. (yes, i had two youth ministers in my 7 years in the youth group Jason and Christina for 5 and Blaine for 1 1/2) [yes i know that adds up to 6 1/2] We went out to lunch together. Nothing was planned beforehand I just chalk this up to another God-thing. He knew I needed some small encouragement, something I know I've been lacking in giving lately as well, to keep me going. Life has been overwhelming lately what with my new duties at my job, my grandfathers deteriorating health and the stress that this gives my mother, volunteering with the youth group-and thats just the things I did this past week. Everything keeps coming and coming and it doesn't seem like it will slow down. And while some part of me understands that this is how life goes, that being an adult comes with all of these responsibilities, I know I can't do it alone.

So here I am God, reaching out once more after having failed yet again. Please pick me up and dust me off. Make me clean and whole and shiny. Mold me into the servant you desire me to be. I'll be the clay, I'll let you be the potter again.

2010-10-31T20:43:00.004-05:00

This weekend I went to a youth rally as a CHAPERONE! totally the first time for that. I really enjoyed it though-Watershed led worship and we had great lessons from some awesome speakers (Dusty Rush, Jeff Walling, Patrick Meade). Well, I know that youth rallies are directed at.....well youth! But I would be a huge liar if I said that I was just filling a necessary role for the church this weekend and that I wasn't more that an extra pair of eyes. Oh what a liar I'd be.
First off, I learned what it was to give-we took my car instead of the scarily broken church van
then, i learned what it was to give of yourself and to plan ahead so well for guests-we had an AMAZING hostess who opened her home to us and treated us to homemade goodies
I was reminded of how much fun adults get to have at a youth rally, saw the tired looks on the youth workers faces yet knew that their passion and willing spirits were not at all exhausted!

Now, the real lesson-the yucky, hard lesson I learned-or rather heard in a different way this weekend. We are God's bride. Easy right? No, have you read Hosea? She regularly left him for other men (in our case, other Gods) and in an effort to get her to focus only on him, Hosea took her out into the desert. He removed everything in her life that distracted her from him. That story is a parallel to our relationship with God.

God has me in a desert. He wants me to focus on Him. That hit me like when people get hit in that V8 commercial. I have been feeling so alone and asking God for someone to come along for me as a friend. I was asking God for someone else, I wasn't asking God for Him. For His help and my focus has NOT been on Him. Well, here goes, hopefully I'll make the most of my desert time. If God brought me here, he must be expecting me to follow Him out of it......

2010-10-17T21:04:00.002-05:00

This week was NOT what I was hoping for. Not one bit.
Even with random extra work hours, Im still living paycheck to paycheck
Im so terribly lonely here, I have friends but not Christian ones and I can feel myself hardening to talking about God and my life as I strive (in some way) to follow Him

But this weekend, I got to make a difference. We had our first annual cupcake day for our youth group girls on Friday, and even though numbers were few, we had a grand time. Saturday I was able to go to my first LSU game of the season and today, spend it with the youth group again as we supported two of our own in Seussical (Harding REALLY needs to do it-youth forum 2012?) and then life group.
It was the trip home from life group that made everything worth it.
Theres a girl who recently moved here-not without knowing people but simply without a bestfriend and very lonely. She said that this weekend turned everything around for her, that it allowed her to get closer to people and make new/better friends with everyone.
So now, as I sit here, missing everyone and waiting patiently when I get to make that 8 hour trip to Searcy again to hug everyone, lonely ,praying for God to melt my heart and guide me through this busy week and watching Pushing Daisies on netflix (keepin it real) I am encouraged that some crazy little get together allowed someone to feel loved this weekend.

And that makes all the difference to me.

2010-10-04T21:38:00.002-05:00

Yesterday was Sunday. I went to church. In fact, I went to sunday school (something I do now that I am involved in the youth group). But the important things happened in the sermon. Really, in the introduction to the sermon that I paid little attention to (sorry Mr. Eddie, but I was thinking about God).

I've been terribly lonely and down lately. The whole breaking a bone in your foot and being house-bound deal got old the day it happened and though they are wonderful at watching Glee and gossip, my friends aren't the drop by your house to see you type. Given this much time alone with my thoughts, did my best to avoid them at all costs and watched the ENTIRE series of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Not kidding. The few times I allowed myself time to think would be the times evil, mean thoughts entered my head. The same thoughts I've done battle with for years. The only difference is that there isn't anyone here to talk to. No close friend, no roommate who immediately notices a change. No one. I've become an expert at suppressing my feelings.

This weekend, because Thursday was payday, the act of suppression came through shopping. In line before me was a girl who I'm guessing was in high school. She and her mom were shopping (there was a sale at my favorite bra store and I had a coupon...I didn't really spend money I hadn't planned on). She was very quiet-the opposite of what most girls her age are, even when shopping with mom. And then I saw the scars. Scars I have too. Scars I know didn't hurt when they happened but hurt more and more over the years and my heart broke in two. It ached at the pain she must be feeling and the loneliness I know that caused her to need to hurt herself in that way.

On the way home, I burst into tears. Tears of pity for me but tears of pain and hurt and things that have been pent up since I left the support system that was Harding. And I cried for her, and every other girl that doesn't feel good enough or worth anything and how I don't know how to help them because I still don't know how to help myself.

All I can do now is pray that God takes these past months and however much longer it will be in the future and uses them to His purpose.Because no matter what others have said, they really don't know how I'm feeling.

And I pray they never will.

2010-09-17T19:50:00.002-05:00

This week, I have
- watched an entire season of Buffy, The Vampire Slayer
-worked 2 days of my 5-day week
-observed an amazing Montessori Class in full swing
-observed Montessori at the Elementary level
-had far too much fast food bc the thought of grocery shopping made my foot swell
-went grocery shopping and had my foot swell
-got my hair done
-didnt have little fingers play with said hair-therefore it is still soft and shiny
-thought about throwing all my old clothes out
-freaked and didnt because im absurdly sentimental
-cried when Buffys mom died
-cried when Buffy died...again
-missed having human contact beyond my roommates
-wondered if I am going entirely bonkers
-missed my friends oh so much. oh so much.

2010-09-10T15:32:00.002-05:00

Yesterday after I had had a wonderful two mile walk with Meags, I took a shower because I was sweaty and stinky and I was planning on going to a friends house and watching my Saints beat the Vikings. Again.

And because I had everything so well planned out, something went terribly wrong.

I fell. Hard. On the way down I hit my nose, bottom, elbow, scraped my knee and fractured my toe. I did some real damage in two short seconds! I am so thankful for a mom who lives nearby, health insurance and the kindness of strangers today! I was quite overcome with how many people wanted to help me hobble along as I was at the doctors office and even when I was just at school.

I am also thankful that I never throw away pain pills. They come in handy every once in a while.

2010-09-09T13:35:00.003-05:00

My dear blog,
I have neglected you so! Im sorry for not blogging about my birthday celebration in New Orleans and how it started out wonderfully but ended terribly. Im sorry for not blogging about how my church family made it wonderful again simply by remembering to say Happy Birthday. Im not sorry for whining about being 23. I mean seriously, we have hundreds of days for that! I am however very sorry that I haven't blogged about walking the lakes here with my bff since 4th grade Meagan. I know I am enjoying the time spent with just me and her especially since she left me here for a year while she was in Paris. My coworker said I looked like I was slimming down a little! Yay! I guess two miles 4x a week will do that. And soon, I will add ballet class again! Hurrah!
Im also sorry about not blogging that I get to help out with the HS group! I love them and am really excited about being there with them and for them! In fact I planned my first silly girls event thing this past weekend. We made t-shirts and watched a movie (romantic comedy) and had a great time- though I will hesitate to initiate another movie night in the future! It seems to me that things are going well. There are things that I still want and ( I think) need but a song that has been on my heart lately "Firm Foundation" has a line that says "I have a living hope, I have a future, God has a plan for me, of this I'm sure" and I sang that in complete security that it was true.
Saturday I will begin classes to become Montessori certified. Im excited about the training, knowing more about my classroom and just getting familiarized with the Montessori method in general but the class is an hour away (2 hrs round trip) and I don't know anyone there yet which of course brings about dread and anxiety in my life but Im praying that I can make friends (esp since my trip to HU falls on a weekend that I would have class-Im gonna need notes!) and have a great time- and of course pass!
until I blog again :)

Ive Got a crush on you....

2010-08-25T21:11:00.002-05:00

Ok, so not really. I promised myself a long time ago that I wouldn't get crushes. Crushes take time in your life and space in your heart that I decided a long time ago belonged to God, myself and eventually the man I will marry.

Wow, thats a serious start for the silliest, girliest post I think I'll ever have. You see, my birthday is Sunday. Birthdays are important to me. Your birthday, yes you dear reader (all 3 of you that I know of) is important to me! It makes me happy God put you on this earth and happier still that you are my friend! I get to celebrate you and tell you how wonderful you are and how much you mean to me and buy you presents (i like to see people open presents). For me, well, I just like presents hahaha! I like the phone calls, the texts, the fb posts. I eat it up! Well, see theres this boy I used to crush on. I would be lying if I said I wasn't attracted to him now but thats besides the point. Well, he told me today he though he had forgotten my birthday. Not only that, but he woke up thinking it. Woke up thinking of me.

It made me all giddy inside hahahaha. Makes me very happy when I know that people randomly think of me. esp boys.

ah well, today I am happy! John texted from TX saying classes are going well, some awful things are working out in my favor, and there are only like 3 whole days until my birthday. 2 until I can have sugar ( I went off of it this week in hopes that the sugar intake that will happen this weekend won't kill me) and go to NOLA to a piano bar! Holla!

2010-08-22T20:55:00.001-05:00

I published this prayer on my other, secret blog (which may not be so secret after this) but I wanted to share how Im feeling and not have to write this all over again.

Keep me in your prayers eh?

Dear God,
I feel so utterly defeated. Every move to grow closer to You, to do want I think you want me to do, to walk on the path of righteousness is being blocked. Lord, please help me in this storm! I am hurting, I am thirsty for the living water you provide! Shower me with that. Let me be a light. Please don't let my light be dimmed. Please Lord, let me be a warrior in this world so more souls will see the beauty of the next!
please be there for me

Tonights Conversation

2010-08-20T22:28:00.002-05:00

Hannah (who is 19, blonde, beautiful and recently had to choose between two guys) : Courtney, Im gonna be you tonight
Me (who is not Hannah. Not one bit.) : What do you mean?
H: Im gonna stay in and watch Netflix tonight
M: haha. its cheaper! And what happens when you are 23 and single
H: Oh God! I hope not me!

Then I continued to do what she said I was doing plus laundry and ate some chicken psghetti. Oh and I did the dishes. What now? 23 and single is the thing to be

Movies about friendship suck

2010-08-17T18:39:00.002-05:00

Ok, so maybe they don't. But at the same time, they do. They promise things about friends and friendship that simply aren't true anymore. Here are a few to share for today
Chances are, you won't have the same friends you grew up with-if you were lucky enough to have grown up in the same city/school from birth-college.
When you go to college, you don't end up staying there. You move away and so do your friends.
That special group of friends is a rarity. Girls are catty and end up breaking such groups apart before they've had a chance to weather any storm together
people hate the phone
calling becomes a hassle
your friends get married and their husband and new family become a priority (no one can make a marriage work when their friends come first)

And yes, I do know how bitter this sounds. Really, I just miss my friends. A lot. We all have lives to live and are busy and and and. But nothing can cover the fact that I am still lonely. I have the strep throat so Ive been watching Netflix all day. Netflix tries to pick movies you like which for me seem to be British Romances, kids movies, musicals and what they call "sentimental". I call them tear-jerkers. Anyway, I don't think I have felt the impact of this loneliness I have felt until today. It tore me apart!

I wish moving to Texas or Nashville or California or anywhere else friends have jokingly said for me to move to were a reality.

sorry for being bitter. send me a hug via text to make me feel better :)

2010-08-15T20:34:00.002-05:00

Whew! Days fly by when you are having fun!

I have always enjoyed weekends! When I was little, it was time spent with my family that I enjoyed so much about them. As I grew older the break from school and its routines was welcome and refreshing! In college it meant more time to work and an extra hour to stay out! Now it means two blissful days away from tiny people needing me for everything. From having to be aware of everything going on around me, breaking up tiny fights, giving permission to do anything, dealing with whining/crying/yelling/hitting potty accidents and worst of all parents. I tend to throw myself into the weekend full-force.
Lets sum up this weekend
Friday- I planned to see Step Up 3 with Meagan-we got there and it wasn't at the time specified unless we wanted to see it in 3D. Needless to say that wasn't gonna happen. So instead, I went and got another tattoo! Then we had sushi and home.
Saturday-Shopping till we dropped. Then I started feeling sick so I went home early
Which brings me to now. Ive been home all day in bed with a cold. It has been quite a bleh day indeed! At least I have gotten a lot of rest today!

Tomorrow I am once again back to the daily grind I can't wait for Tuesday dinner to start up again so that I can have a break in the monotony of it all :)

2010-08-11T12:46:00.003-05:00

Bekah is home to visit. And we've blocked off this afternoon for friend time. I love her SO much! When I get older and tell my daughters (the fake ones i have with my imaginary husband) about my childhood friends, I cant wait to tell them about the summer Bekah and I spent at each others homes every other weekend!
Needless to say, Im excited about seeing her!

In other news, Texas is still on the "Most Hated" list, having taken Kristen on Monday oh well. Life goes on!

Im thinking about becoming a part of another church. Seriously this time. I love my home church and the people and the opportunities that I have to serve but Im not being fed completely right now. So, with much trepidation, I am looking for a singles ministry in town. Who knows, maybe South will get the picture and stop ignoring this growing ministry op but until then, Im a-lookin'

On the job front, Im going to get my Montessori training! Yay! Its two weekends a month for four months! Thats it! Oh yeah and a HUGE final in January but then I'll be licensed to teach for reals yo. And I'll get paid more! And the school will be eligible for another star credit, which means more money from the state and more parents interested in the center! Nope, there isnt any pressure on me to take this course at all. Not. At. All.

and last...but certainly not least ITS BIRTHDAY MONTH! In just 18 short days I will be 23. And single. But employed. And single. With a cat (Ted). And single. And two college roommates. And single. Oh well, at least this single girl has friends to celebrate with!

I hate Texas

2010-07-27T21:28:00.002-05:00

or rather, I hate the schools in Texas and the opportunities they have presented 3 of my best friends. If you've been reading this blog lately, then you know some of the struggle I have had with making new, Christ-centered relationships and with finding my place at my current church home. Well, by the end of August those built-in friends I have been leaning on so much will be gone. I cannot tell you in words just how much my heart hurts right now.

Clearly Texas is to blame for my loss of friends.

I know Im crazy, but you knew it too...the moment you met me ha!

Im trying very, very hard to understand/wait and see what God has in store for this time of my life. I feel so very alone and abandoned. Left behind in life in so many more ways than continuing education. I know in my heart that I am simply the opposite, that I have an amazing father who wants to be there for me but my head and my fear of seeing movies alone don't get that.

I have recently made some steps into further bettering myself for the kingdom. Man that sounds stiff and stodgy right? Well, thats not at all my goal! A friend and I have made twitter commitments (legit, I know) to reading the Bible cover to cover this school year. Its amazing how, when you make a "God" decision, things fall into place, encouragement comes from all over and you just get really excited about it! Well, thats what's happened with me. Lately our lessons in church have been about Bible study. How it is our responsibility and no one else's (good for me to hear) and I swear it was truly a lesson that spoke to me heart! Later that sunday, I went to our college groups sunday worship time (called Encounter) here we talked about how God gives us warning signs about things in our lives and how to identify them before we mess up big time. Oh man, did that ever speak to me! There was (and still is) something I've been getting warning signs about but didn't have the courage to speak to anyone about until then. What a load that was taken off of my shoulders when I was able to admit my sin to someone else. Doesn't mean one bit that I'm not still struggling with it but advice was given and well received and I hope that it will be something I can put behind me! Its funny, I wasn't planning on going to that worship service that night.......

Sometimes, when Im down I have to really focus on all of the amazing things God is doing in my life. It really is something that lifts the spirits!

2010-07-11T21:08:00.002-05:00

This weekend I was honored to be a part of my best friends wedding. Its funny how a day many wish for for years comes and how much preparation is put into making the first day of a new life for a couple so very special! and then how quickly that day is over.
The ceremony was beautiful, the reception a blast and Miller did Mr. Roboto with us! We clearly had the time of our lives! Michelle and I joked that we would see each other again when the next wedding rolled around.....a joke but its a testament to how this events brings people together!
As I watched my best friend tell her now husband Kenny how much she loved him and how she would dedicate her life to his goals and being his, and he did the same, I couldn't help but wonder if Ill ever get the chance to say those things in front of the people I love. I suppose it doesn't matter as long as I get to do Gods work in His kingdom, but a girl can dream right?
Naturally, no sooner am I home but I get a text inviting me to help out at a wedding thats in less than a month! Wow! Its smaller and directed more at her family and close friends but its amazing how many people near to my age are getting married! I feel like I am barely an adult, terrified of this great big new work-demanding world and people are not only jumping into that life but jumping into it and with a whole new person! Wow! God bless the marriages this summer, let them have joy in prosperity and patience in perseverance. Let them love always and know that you are there for them!

Once upon a time

2010-06-18T21:37:00.002-05:00

I went to camp...a week ago. Since then Ive been working and catching up with friends. It is so very nice to have been missed while I was away. Ive also been avoiding being at home because its hot. And no, it wasn't hot because I didnt leave a fan on or warm because I live in Louisiana. This past week if it was 99 degrees outside, it was 110 in. Thats right-my air was out! To add to it the internet was gone as well so home was....miserable! My sister and I are at my parents house now-the guy has pushed back installation times TWICE now and we were dripping sweat (I knew you wanted to know!) Its been a rather uneventful week other than that. I return to camp tomorrow and if you want to-write me
Courtney Myer
Camp Smiling Acres
933 Smiling Acres Rd
Greensburg, La 70441

see you on the flip side

Today

2010-05-31T22:36:00.002-05:00

-i spent an enjoyable, nearly politic free afternoon with my family! We ate together, played the Wii and just enjoyed each other. Those times of just us four are rare now so it was truly cherished!
-our family party-planning committee put a huge dent in my dads no-longer surprise party. my mom and i got all the paper goods we will need...and somethings that will be a surprise to the birthday boy!
-i finally started packing for camp, which was my huge goal for today! my to-buy list has gotten a WHOLE lot shorter and im feeling better about something i usually am able to devote a whole lot better about.
- i was asked to babysit some of my favorite kids in the world! they asked for me FIRST! oh man, i wish i could have! it warms my heart that they love me!

Yesterday however, I went to Brookhaven, Mississippi. I went there to visit a friend in jail. I was absolutely terrified of what would happen because you see as many letters as I wrote and as many nights I stayed up late praying for his safety, I never sent the letters. I barely responded to the facebook messages sent through friends speaking of his current state. I was also scared of just being in prison. I don't remember it but we went to visit one of my uncles in jail often so I ought to know there really isnt anything to be afraid of but I couldn't prove that to my mind. As we drove my anxiety grew. A friend who has been a constant for Ben told the horror stories of his previous placements and how much nicer this place was. Honestly, he looked good-for where he was. We talked and I felt horrible for taking up so much precious time from everyone else. The one thing that lifted so much weight off of my shoulders was when he told me he meant to write me recently (he had no contact info so he couldnt). He said he wanted to write me and tell what was happening when we met, why he lied, why he can understand my anger and what he was running from and precisely why. It made me feel so much better about being angry and upset with him-I had previously thought I was in the wrong because he was hurting so much more than I could ever imagine. Anyway, that visit went well and then I played volleyball and went to IHOP.
I wish so much for days to end having spent the majority of its time with loved ones

2010-05-26T20:17:00.002-05:00

Something exciting is happening! My best friends are happy :) Which in turn makes me happy. Through phone conversations it seems as if I've heard the same story twice-we hung around the same people but never met, we talked for hours and just clicked. Its funny how that happens but I really am very happy for my friends! And hope that the person who is making them happy continues to do so :)

On another note, one more season of The Biggest Loser is over and done with. Now, I was not nearly as interested in this season as I have been in others but I decided to pick it back up at the end this go around. Now, see here! I am a terribly guilty BL audience member. I would eat while watching that show. Rarely anything healthy, sometimes even ice cream! I feel guilty about that because my weight has been an issue since middle school. I never wanted to be this way, I've told myself many times that "this year will be the year I lose weight" "this time I'm serious" only to be derailed a few weeks or sometimes days later. I can give you a whole list of reasons why I think I failed but the only real one is that I didn't believe I could do it. Im not one to think very well of myself, being the fat girl for years really takes a toll on your self-esteem, I've never really been able to shop with friends, to do the same things that they do on a daily basis without being slower or breathing heavily afterwards. Its just become far too embarrassing to measure so I count myself out. I go shopping by myself and I avoid gyms and exercising in public at all costs so that I can...stay fat? My best friend is getting married in a little over a month and I wonder how many bridesmaid dresses she could have picked out had I been a size 12 instead of 24? I wonder what my life would have been had I lost my weight in high school like I wanted..or after freshman year at HU etc? I wonder what its like to not have to shop online for clothes because stores don't feel the need to carry your size on a regular basis. I wonder and I hurt. I push that hurt way down deep so that people may think Im happy the way I am but Im not, I don't think I could ever be truly happy. I mean, my body is a temple. The Bible says so. And yes, I drink and I've got tattoos but I don't think that compares at all to shortening my lifespan, shortening my available years to do work for the kingdom. This is all totally frustrating at the end of the season of BL. I always feel so inspired, if they can do it, so can I! But here I am, sitting on my bed, making myself feel better that I had a coke zero instead of a regular but trying to starve myself a little thinner for camp and the pictures that come with it by pretending that the hunger I'm feeling will go away. Which it will until later when I am ravenous.
Well, this post, which I intended to simply state that I am inspired by BL contestants went completely different than planned. But its out here for the world to see.....Im fed up! Im angry. I don't think I've ever actually stated these things before but Im glad its off my chest.....too bad typing isn't exercise ha!

2010-05-14T21:45:00.002-05:00

Cutting back on sugar only makes me want it more. Empty calories just taste better. Well, that pretty much sums up my week. Ive had some interesting reactions to my meds. We (my mom and I) think that sometimes if I take it too late, my blood sugar gets far too low. Getting used to taking it on time is a big thing. Ive never been one to be a huge stickler for taking meds on time so this is important and new!

In other news, I went to the Zoo today! We took the kids on a field trip. We took a big yellow school bus and had a couple of hours to walk around! We had a blast, the kids had a grand time and were exhausted after. We fed them and put em down for a nap. We were tempted to take one with them! But I think this just proves how much Ive come to love teaching. Not that I didnt love it at first but I really do enjoy my job! I wish I had the summer off but beggars cannot be choosers. Also, a mom complimented me on how I handle the kids which made me feel great. And I dont think that having a kid want me to be near them will ever stop making my heart glow! Its the best feeling really, to be wanted.

Now im going to eat some ice cream
and yes, its sugar-free :)

2010-05-04T23:02:00.002-05:00

Dear Baton Rouge,
While I appreciate your...effort in trying to find me Mr. Right HOWEVER men who do not understand how to begin a conversation/have walmart baskets filled with the oddest things will no longer be tolerated. Got it? Good.
Thanks, keep up the hard work!
*Courtney

In other news, I went to the doctor yesterday. Im thankful for several things after that visit. 1) my doctor is hopeful! she knows i can reverse this and that does a world of difference for me. 2) the medicine she prescribed for me is associated with weight loss! 3) it may not be prediabetes...but thats where the bad stuff starts. It could be polycystic ovaries which isnt great either. And if I begin to have an adverse reaction to this medication, I have to learn how to give myself shots. Everyday. Ugh.
But we are looking on the bright side. Im in the process of changing not only the way I eat but the way I think about eating which is so very hard. Im taking baby steps, right now its portions. I am striving to eat what I need instead of what I want. This is a huge battle! I cant tell you the number of times I ate because I was sad or upset or I ate to finish my plate or or or or. The exercise is the annoying part. Im embarrassed to do anything outside of my house but (see, excuses...im done now)

Things are looking up. Im excited about this change!

2010-05-02T18:40:00.002-05:00

So this weekend, Ive stuck with my mantra. Only diet cokes and a conscious effort to not eat candy. Of course, I dont usually have trouble with that unless Im at school. This is going to be a tough week for me, not knowing all of the details of whats going on inside me yet starting a new diet plan on a trial basis. Its one of those pre-packaged meals dealios. There are shakes, bars, puddings, oatmeal and soups to choose from to eat 5 times a day with one "Lean and green" meal on your own. Its going to be a BIG change for me, eating six times a day, most days I have trouble with the normal 3 but I deserve to be healthy! Le Chaim! Im ready to break free of this wall Ive put up and be the person I know is inside. Plus I have some outside motivation as well! Camp is coming up....we are a very active group and I dont usually have a whole lot of trouble keeping up with activities, it'd be swell if I could get just a few pounds off though! And of course, my best friends wedding. The dress is bought and lovely but Im really working on my shoulders and arms as the style of the dress shows them off....i want them to be somewhat show-offable! Im not doing everything I can just yet but Im working on it!
I CANNOT become diabetic......I just wont let it happen. Being aggressive is the only gameplan for me. Even though I hate what Ive gotten myself into, I am liking this can-do spirit its brought out in me!

2010-04-29T22:25:00.002-05:00

Today,no, this entire week really has been HARD. I feel as if I have bounced from one situation to another and I've still got tons floating around in my head.

Today though was especially prickly. I found out that I could get a life-altering disease. Now, Im not one to care in the long run what I put in my body. I've tried dozens of ways, albeit half-heartedly, to lose the weight I carry and nothing I ever try seems to stick. I can be gung-ho about trying something new and put effort in for a few days but after a while, when no one is watching or caring about my effort, I stop. I honestly don't think Im worth that effort. I figured, yes carrying extra weight hinders me from some things but generally, I overcome it. Dance? Check....Theatre? Check....Making Friends? Check. Seriously, I never thought it could come to this. But it has. My health is deteriorating. The medical family history I have is atrocious and I seem to have gotten every preventable disease we have ever had.
Suffice it to say, Im sick. Im sick and I am going to put forth the effort to fix it. No one is is responsible for me. I deserve to be healthy & happy don't I? Well, a small part of me thinks yes is being the answer (name that movie) and Dammit Janet (now name THAT one) I will. To be quite frank, I haven't told my parents yet. I think I am avoiding the inevitable barrage of questions I will receive and cannot answer beyond "thats what the doctor said" and "my appointment is thursday to talk and sort everything out until then, I'm doing my best to stay away from sugar and work out more". But I have told close friends. Their encouragement and willingness to be a good friend by "being there when needed" is overwhelmingly amazing! Its in the things you may think are little that God shows me He is still here in the terrible storm that I am going through. Which is an amazing feat in itself for me, the realization that God is still with me. But that folks is another story for another post. Today I just wanted to say Ill be blogging about this. Even though the number of consistent readers I have is FEW ( I know of....one haha) Its a way for me to keep myself accountable to my mantra

"I DESERVE to be healthy! Le Chaim!"
(thats right, I threw in a Fiddler quote! I could string together an amazing b'way mantra but not now :)

i deserve this

2010-04-26T18:10:00.002-05:00

I am
-unfeeling
-self-absorbed
and apparently ive become callous
i have surrounded myself with people who dont encourage me. purposefully
im not willing to feel

im hurting, i hurt for others, i hurt because the person who told me this is my mother, i hurt because if anything not wanting to feel is a struggle and not something to be harped on. I hurt because i dont know how to respond to someone who has been busy most of my life wanting in on something so incredibly personal (to be fair, so has my dad...to be fair im quite used to it)

so im taking off for a few days. im not going anywhere, im just not going to be online. deleted fb, wont be tweeting....you can contact me if you so choose. which you wont and thats fine. im just having a hard time dealing with this and dealing publicly is rarely wise

Life is a Highway

2010-04-13T06:17:00.003-05:00

No really, once youre out of college all of the sudden your friends dont live a 2 minute walk away. They live hours and hours away. Ive been blessed to be able to take two roadtrips to see my friends recently! The first one was to Searcy! It was.....odd being back at HU but it was truly wonderful seeing my friends, my family that was there for me when i needed them for 4 1/2 years and counting! The short time I was able to spend with them was just what I needed.
This past weekend I went to Georgia with friends from High School. We were able to surprise another friend for her birthday and make amazing memories! And I was able to see Adam and Katie which was way perfect!
Life for me lately has indeed been a highway. I know Im nowhere near to a stopping point, that there is still lots of places for me to go and things for me to see but, for now, im glad I dont have any definite plans until July. I get to stay put and enjoy being home!
In other news, after a WHOLE lot of going back and forth in making any resolutions for new years/ not giving anything up for lent, i have made goals for myself. And yes they may seem silly and a little pointless to others but hey, if im supposed to believe in myself, that i can actually do anything for anyone else, i have to start with the little things for myself right?
also....my best friend is getting marriend in 88 days. That is so awesomely cool and really sad.....we will truly be at completely different stages in life but im so happy for her! And im busy trying to look good in the cute dress she picked out!

Well, now i must go get ready to educate the future. Maybe today they wont complain, bite, hit, yell at or taunt each other. Maybe today we will talk about what we want to be when we all grow up and they will have real jobs listed instead of Princess or Dinosaur......we shall see!

Community

2010-03-28T22:04:00.002-05:00

This weekend I went to a retreat that the college group here hosted. The speaker talked about "Real Spirituality" and it was a great weekend! I learned a whole lot. Saturday night we did an exercise where we meditated on an "issue" we had. We read scripture and applied it and then prayed about it and wrote ways we could let God work in it.

To be honest, many of my answers were angry

After this whole shebang, we went and prayed with either the speaker or one of the ministers of the college group. While talking (because we know how much I love to do that) he seemed to identify my "issue" with just a couple of words "missing community".

I was surprised at how I reacted to that. I was happy because to me it made PERFECT sense. I was sad because I thought we were all connected as a community of believers and here I am, in this floaty place with no where to go and I was angry. Angry because I thought that being with God meant never being alone-but thats what I feel.

So this is me, trying to figure out my future and my place in the world.

I have a problem with TV

2010-03-15T21:43:00.002-05:00

Well, really I have a problem with television portrayals of things. Like high school. My high school experience was NOTHING like televisions Saved by the Bell, Degrassi.....or any other show for that matter.

Recently, I started watching a show called "Life Unexpected". It deals with a foster child who ends up living with her birth parents after a failed attempt to emancipate herself from the state. This girl bounced from home to home, as do her friends. Now beside the fact that the show is on the CW network, filmed in darkly lit areas and cheesy I have a problem with it. Not all foster homes are awful but watch any show Law & Order, Bones, Judging Amy and others Im sure and they all seem to say the same thing. Foster parents are in it for the monthly check, they are abusive people who don't care for children at all and resent extra ones living with them. This really bothers me because growing up, we were a foster family. Its a part of my history, my background. A reason for why I do things, know things and popular media is making me ashamed, makes me wonder what people think now if I tell them. I suppose its even more raw living in the house where my brothers and sisters (because thats what we considered them) lived. I was the middle child for a while did you know that? Its why I know sign language! Its why it makes me angry that parents harm children with disabilities. And seriously, on the flip side-what about the families who get hurt? Opening your heart and home time after time can take a toll on a person. And then there is the damage no one else can foresee, or fix.

Rescue

2010-03-02T23:16:00.002-06:00

Im getting over the flu. To be specific, im getting over a cough that led to a sinus infection that led to the flu. It has been a long three days in bed but a good respite from the world, from constantly going, from work.
Once again, I realized that I need time alone, to think, to reflect, to be me
I finally had time to clean my room! I unpacked that last suitcase and have gotten so much put away, i feel accomplished but I cant say that Im home just yet. My sister wants a friend to move in next school year and I dont know if I can continue to put up with college drama-Carmen doesnt have it, the other girl will. Im praying for an affordable apartment so that I can pay my bills and such.
Yesterday I decided to encourage everyone I came across that needed it. It felt wonderful. Its been a long time since I could do that and not feel that it came from me. That alone, knowing my words came from God and not expecting thanks was very freeing. I know my searching is coming to an end, this wandering feeling is going away. I love the solid ground I stand on. And I didnt have to go to church to find it, but not being there left a hole in me. I know Im at the right place for me, for what God wants from me.
So pray for me, pray for me until I can for sure pray for yall again. Because I know that saying you are in my thoughts and my heart isnt enough. I want to give it to God but im just not ready yet, so pray.

Where am I?

2010-02-19T23:59:00.002-06:00

Limbo
–noun,plural-bos.
1.
(often initial capital letter) Roman Catholic Theology. a region on the border of hell or heaven, serving as the abode after death of unbaptized infants (limbo of infants) and of the righteous who died before the coming of Christ (limbo of the fathers or limbo of the patriarchs).
2.
a place or state of oblivion to which persons or things are regarded as being relegated when cast aside, forgotten, past,or out of date: My youthful hopes are in the limbo of lost dreams.
3.
an intermediate, transitional, or midway state or place.
4.
a place or state of imprisonment or confinement.

This, all of these words are exactly how I feel tonight. Its been a rough week at work,( kids are worse for having days off while adults are better for it...go figure!) Im frustrated about and not at all a planner for my future, and even though sometimes I see these God-things in my life, I cannot for the life of me figure out how to include Him in my daily life.
Thats not true. I know exactly how I simply lack the discipline, drive and follow-thru to do anything about it. I know that earthly pleasures only last for a day. I can feel it. And we all know I despise the quiet and alone-ness that is required whilst growing in a one-on-one relationship with God.
I went to dinner tonight with two friends who are planning to get degrees in ministry. Their love for God is apparent, I love being around them but I feel so inadequate. And I feel like Im lying to them when I sit around the table and pretend that Im like them, that I have everything all together and that I still whole-heartedly love God. I nearly burst into tears right then and there. Then I went and browsed Barnes and Noble. I am always drawn to the Christian fiction section because a. i like it and b. its an easy way to get to the devotional section, which I flip through often. Anyway, I came across Crazy/Love and wanted to peruse its pages. I did and the chapter I landed on was about Lukewarm Christians. I've always desired to be that on-fire God-lover and often made strong steps to be that person but this time I lost. Everything I read seemed like it was written about me. When did I slip? When did I decide it was ok to be this person and not the one I was raised to be? Where did my safety net go? Does anyone else truly care about another persons relationship with God or is the world really that selfish. I can't say that this revelation didn't hurt my heart. That it didn't make me feel awful inside or that I could say any of these things in person without losing it.

But I can say that I heard this message loud and clear. Im just not sure how to fix it

Blah Blah Blah

2010-02-17T23:59:00.002-06:00

and yes, this does refer to the Ke$ha song :) but it also refers to the fact that I have been bemoaning the OTHER fact that Ive been lonely and without someone to talk to. Previously this included but was not limited to long drives in rural Arkansas with friends either in person or through a phone call. I havent had many people to talk to since this and I can really feel it in my soul, you know bubbling up! But surprisingly enough, tonight offered that! I loved it and am extremely glad for the release of conversation. Not just surface topics but the important things you get into through the most random of questions "What guys are you attracted to" or something like that. And then the realization that there are other romantics out there, waiting for that special someone who isnt cliche or fake but is willing to take the crazy on with you and journey into life.

Its amazing what God sends your way when you least expect Him to act!

I woke up at 3 this morning

2010-02-17T05:11:00.001-06:00

2010-02-11T22:14:00.002-06:00

I miss having people near. I miss interaction and talking about your day and talking about people I dont really know. I miss pretending to listen I miss caring about it even though I didnt listen in the first place. I miss living with someone I didnt work with. I miss my boss. I miss the buffer that companionship and friendship provide. I feel so exposed, so cold and alone. I miss sewing and theatre.

I love having freedom. I love that I can come and go as I please with no one checking on me. I love having a job working with children. They provide daily joy and stress. I love that I do have friends at church and away from it. I love that each set has a set time I can spend with them.

I hate that out of sight out of mind really only works for the people who weren't committed, involved or truly caring individuals.

Im so ready to find someone to share secrets with, who cares.

And yes, this is my "im a single 20something alone on Valentines day" post. I promise not to post another

My God Thing

2010-02-07T23:11:00.002-06:00

So two amazing, spine-tingling, yell out loud and say "thank you God" things happened today

1. My Saints WON the superbowl. Its something Ive been waiting for since i can remember. My dad and I used to leave church early and go to the games. Ive always been a fan, hoping at the beginning of every year "This will be IT". My wish FINALLY came true. It is truly an amazing thing and seriously lifts the spirits of Louisiana and Saints fans all over the globe! I really wish my grandpa and Im sure countless other Saints fans could have seen this, I know he's watching though! I hope you saw it Big Daddy ! Miss you.

2. After the game, I drove home. I live in a "college" neighborhood and saw a party. I felt the need to join them because I didnt want to sit at my house alonw and I figured I could meet my neighbors. After a while of dancing in the front yard I asked how they knew each other....they all go to the same church. The one Ive been putting off visiting because I was afraid. Now I know people there. People in the band! I cant say its anything less than God saying, here is where I want you to be for a while. Here is a place you can grow. I nearly started crying there, but held it in and just enjoyed myself.

Im still way adrenaline pumped about both of them, sleep wont come easily tonight!
Who Dat say they gonna beat them saints?

My room is a MESS!

2010-01-26T23:48:00.002-06:00

And really, until I can get some order in it, my life is too. My car and my room are the places where I spend the most time other than work. Today I cleaned out my car. And it felt really good when I was driving around! The rest of this week is going to be devoted to my room. Storage is a problem and Im working on getting stuff.

And clearly you care haha!

In slightly more (or less) important news, the whole being a better person thing took off well but has plateaued once again. Its hard to do all this personal work alone. I would love some close friends here but totally understand that it may take some time to get there! Im just really missing the friendships I had in college and really wanting those for myself here. Still looking for somewhere to truly belong and do NOT want to take that first step out of my comfort zone. Because being comfortable is so nice. And anxiety is no fun. Because I've gone to this church my entire life and I know Im called to be involved but Im also feeling a tug to look for a place that encourages me in the part of life Im at which is Post undergrad/semi-permanately employed/ wishing I was using my degree/single/early twenties person. I know thats a whole lot of things to serve but where I currently worship isnt cutting it. It makes me sad sometimes but I really think that putting feelers out there will be good for me.

But I really hate it.

Overwhelmed

2010-01-21T22:53:00.002-06:00

Its what I am today. I am embracing being overwhelmed.

Today I:
talked with three year olds. They like me, I like them. They like to yell, I don't really. They think when you approach them instead of yelling, you are running to spank them. what a conundrum

sat for 45 minutes inside with a little girl who has an imaginary sister named James ( i asked her how its spelled...its starts with a U) and an anger problem as long as the Mississippi OH and shes been kicked out of THREE preschools for this behavior. We got to the bottom of one problem, shes got a crush on a little boy but the rest? who knows. I told her I put a good girl curse on her today, that somewhere inside theres a good girl! She started to show it a little after that, but who knows. Its frustrating having parents who only talk when something extra is needed.

was told that I didnt look happy. I cant remember a time when I was truly happy about/for myself! Right now I feel as if I've been thrown into the deep end of adulthood and told to keep my head up. Its hard to do right now because I dont feel my floaties. I know they are there, securely on my arms and around my waist. And I can't hear anyone cheering for me to keep going. So I keep slipping under and succumbing to the waves but pulling back up, looking. I don't know what I am to expect but we will see. One day, I'll pop up and someone will be there waiting, hoping to help me stay above, and letting me support them. But till then, Im kicking. Yell if you see me go under

Breakthrough

2010-01-19T18:45:00.003-06:00

I met a Biggest Loser this weekend. I totally have proof! He was one of the nicest people I've ever met. He spoke for an hour about his experience in getting on the show, which is an AMAZING story I can let you in on another time. Except for this one thing. He said his story coming out of TBL wasn't about weight loss. That was just a side effect. His story was about learning to love himself.

(loving myself is something I dont know how to do)

He said that loving himself, as God loved him was half the battle that he had to fight. To let down the barriers keeping him from loosing the weight. He also said that serving others can become a barrier to God. To be honest, this is where I stopped listening. I began going over everything and applying it to my life. And I came to a point. A very BIG point.

I serve others for MY glory, not for Gods. I do things for people for the sole purpose of making myself look better and not to honor God with my actions. Its weird really, I never even thought about it. I think it just happened. Seriously though, who doesn't like to be thanked? Being thanked equals being loved? I don't know quite yet, but I do know that the purpose behind the things I do is changing. Its not done but I'm working on it.

We sang a song this weekend, and I don't know all the lyrics but it spoke about loving God from the inside out and letting Him change you from the inside out. These words, along with prayer about not letting anything kill my spirit are my new goals for the year!

I'm trading my shame, Im laying it down for the joy of the Lord

Welcome to Big-Girl world!

2010-01-09T20:43:00.002-06:00

I thought I wouldnt start work until after a God-weekend in Florida BUT we make plans and God laughs! So, come Monday I will show up to school at 7:30 am and teach children hahaha.

Right now Im just chilling in my bedroom that is awfully messy because I still don't have any furniture other than plastic drawers and a bed. Im working on it of course! Growing up is so odd! When did I get old enough to have close friends get married? Have babies? Im living with my sister and not with my parents! I have guests over and entertain.

And I am single (and apparently its ok for wal-mart and every drug store to put out Valentines Day items BEFORE new years). And Im beginning to be ok with it. Like Mary and Rhoda. Except more like Mary and less like Rhoda.

And Im working on being a better person. Trying not to control everything, trying to have a better attitude, trying to control my temper. Praying that Im more patient. And im praying. not back to reading my BIble just yet, but working on at least talking to God.

Its hard to come back home for good and figure out where you fit in. At church im just there, I suppose I need to figure out how I can get involved but its weird right now. With friends, Ive always been the visitor and now that Im here full-time im having trouble deciding where Im supposed to fit into their already-scheduled programmed schedules. I sorta wish I could have moved somewhere with a bunch of friends and started over together with them. oh well

This too, shall pass

Then she lived......

2009-12-13T01:51:00.002-06:00

In just a few short days, my career as a student here will be over. I will have completed an entire stage of my life and entered a new one.

That is just SO weird. I cannot believe that 4 1/2 years has gone by so fast. I suppose I realize that people move on and grow up. They leave Harding and thrive even apart from the people who have loved and supported them for the time they lived here. I am amazed that I made it through this! There were times I thought I wouldn't return, there were times when I knew I wasn't good or smart enough. I can't believe I have a job after this. Starting January 4, I will be employed. I will have to request time off and have responsibilities to enrich children's lives.

And I am terrified.

Even though I am not a big sharer of things in my life, I don't know what to do without people who are willing to do that. I have friends at home but the relationships there have been limited by the time I get to visit. Will they like me on a long-term basis? Where can I find friends my own age? What does God hold in my future? These questions plague me as I prepare to leave the comfort of college.

Seeing as I have just over a week left as a resident of Searcy, Arkansas I will figure out a way to relish time here with those I love. Because as much as it hurts to admit, I was loved here. I found out I could be loved here and for that Searcy- I can't hate you.

And I just hate to say goodbye.......

2009-12-04T01:03:00.002-06:00

Lets face it.
Im leaving. Im graduating and leaving
Its a long time coming and I am so ready for it. The work that I have left to do is nearly overwhelming me but I know I can do it. The time I have here is short and full of time-consuming activities but
I feel empty
I feel as if I leave HU having done nothing significant, not having touched anyone, that I haven't left any sort of legacy.
Im sort of glad I only have two weeks left here-its not fun to be on the "I only gave a little" end of a relationship. truly, HU has given me so many memories, friendships and opportunities that I couldn't have gotten in other places

Ill just fade into the sea of faces of people who flew under the radar

Goings on

2009-11-09T23:24:00.003-06:00

Well, I suppose I must first apologize to the 2.7 people who read this blog. I haven't posted in an entire month! For that, you must forgive me. Its ok if you don't. Ive forgiven myself

Anyway, tonight was the final performance of Scrooge! The musical. And thats that

Last weekend (yes folks, that effectively means Friday and Saturday) I read a book called "Underneath the Overpass". It tells the story of two college guys who take 4 months to live on the street. They took a backpack, a sleeping bag and their guitars and went out into the world of the homeless in America, going hungry, eating out of garbage cans, making money by playing worship music. Their story of how they survived this time and what they learned touched me. For a while now, Ive been wondering how I can help on a small scale. Ive been hoping for guidance in what I can do in BR once I graduate.
Now, I know

I can help the homeless.

There are several ways I have thought of executing this call
1- make lunches that have nonperishables, water, toothbrushes & baby wipes. I had forgotten how much I take for granted the ability to take a shower whenever I decide to and brush my teeth! Or for that matter, go to the faucet for water.
2- I will be moving out of Arkansas soon. I have so much in the way of warm winter wear that BR will never see. Instead of giving those items to the Salvation Army or Goodwill, how about DIRECTLY to those who need it?
3- Stop taking the little things for granted. I need to learn to be thankful for what I have. Thankful that life experiences haven't lead me down to a place of seemingly no return. I grew up in a Christian household! I know what God expects of me and I ought to live it!

Anyway, I just wanted to put this in writing. To let 2.7 people know whats on my heart and possibly encourage others!

2009-10-09T21:50:00.002-05:00

I rarely got sick before I began college. Since being at college, I have acquired allergies, Ive had Bronchitis, the Flu, an Ulcer, some ridiculously awful sore throats, strep throat and mono.
Those last two completely changed the rest of my semester. The powers that be removed me from the musical. I understand that they want me healthy. I appreciate that they are acting as surrogate parents and I know that this was a hard desicion
But this was my last show, my last hurrah as an HU theatre student. I even had a line! I know performance isn't my strong suit, so stop thinking it. I KNOW. But I also know how much I love being on that stage. I know what I expected from this semester and this isnt it.
And everything about this disappointment is reminding me Im pretty much alone and once I graduate I'll have to figure out life for myself on my own. I don't really know that I can do this.

2009-09-27T22:19:00.002-05:00

Today, I decided to write Ben a card/letter that will actually get sent to him in the mail. I have written him at least one letter for every week since it happened but I haven't been able to send any. Some letters were angry. Some were sympathetic. Some were about my day.
I haven't been able to send any of them yet because I can't rationalize the things I want to say. I don't know how to make what I say significant. What happened has made me see so many things in a whole new way and given me nightmares at the same time. I cannot fathom his hurt, his pain his shame and I hurt for him.
I just wish I could call him and let him know I care.

2009-09-13T11:10:00.003-05:00

I do so truly wish that I had the ability to properly express what I feel to others and in proper language that is neither vulgar or profane. However, since I am severely lacking in this area of my life, I leave you with the childlike gibberish that comes from banging on ones keyboard to express frustration, stress and, the utmost of feminine emotion, the desire to cry ones eyes out and be hugged while doing so.

aerngblmnlksuy4b k;lalaejwymvbrw gnaekjgahaekksng,abhnrshwbhyp89aeh b;opang,GUIOY JAEOIYUPWONLAIHSEIUEYTNYLBltja;;hehgkjrngayuBYRJHN4HP892Y360-I458U2TNQEIOPTI NQOIBMR HNM,ASFKAW
wj;tiagelghluweuj kaehnovyengrilehg oj lkae vg,admuvgeaumjgvhk kfb vsgvhgasvbgvjbfgcw.sgbleorjganewjfkag ew ih.jaeoiy;/YILKJGALBAIOGYALKEMTKuoJEGMN,AH;LGBJKHSRGKWHFUJKSDNGL/DHGIOENHKEBGLIOKDRKJGNWKGNAIEJGJKEAHGKSBG;MERKGHAS FDGKLjkerjgijengiea;tnebohegeiug;lejgiaormgnjkaev h tngkl/gldeejopeoeopyjejp[owjophj[h

Have a wonderful day.

2009-09-04T20:05:00.002-05:00

So....I may or may not have a crush on my chapel buddy. Then I told him I would make him cupcakes for his birthday.
Who am I? I NEVER do things like that.....and I cant believe I am doing "stupid girl things" like this. Im like 13
Great

2009-08-30T11:38:00.003-05:00

I swear the next day, half of the things on the list on the post before this were fixed.
I know my senior sem (now, just waiting for a script and a cast)
I had a wonderful birthday weekend!
Yes, I work long hours but they are FUN hours!
The walk to class isnt so bad on a bike (however, late night rehearsals are killing me! Im terrified to walk that far at night!)

Ok, and this year....i got AWESOME gifts/presents/acts of service from my friends! Dinner and lunch and dessert and cake and pedicures and shopping trips and and and and. The list can go on! The most special thing that happened was that my Momo Glo (my dads mom) called me on my birthday for the first time in 12 years. See, this time 12 yrs ago, my grandpa (Big Daddy) was in the hospital, dying of lung cancer and diabetes, we went to visit on that day(have we talked about my love for hospitals?) and he sang my happy birthday. As far as I know, those were his last words until he died six days later. Its a tough time for her and for all of my family, she has been excused. But yesterday was made all the more special for me because of her phone call. Ive stored it as a treasure in my heart.

Anyway, my classes are going ok and im one week closer to graduation! I think being 22 makes me more ready than ever which is odd, but true. Its time to get busy livin' or get busy dyin'

2009-08-25T23:36:00.002-05:00

I am supposed to to graduate this fall
I still don't have a senior sem
I can't plan anything for my birthday
I don't have any money
I have a long walk to class
I work long hours
I miss my friends
I miss seeing people
I hate this right now so much
so much

I am tired and stressed and Im sitting at the desk right now and I want to cry. But I have to put my big girl panties on and get the hell over it.

2009-08-02T21:38:00.002-05:00

Sister, you've been on my mind
Sister, we're two of a kind
So, sister, I'm keepin' my eye on you.

I betcha think I don't know nothin'
But singin' the blues, oh, sister,
Have I got news for you, I'm something,
I hope you think that you're something too

Scufflin', I been up that lonesome road
And I seen alot of suns going down
Oh, but trust me,
No-o low life's gonna run me around.

So let me tell you something Sister,
Remember your name, No twister
Gonna steal your stuff away, my sister,
We sho' ain't got a whole lot of time,
So-o-o shake your shimmy Sister,
'Cause honey the 'Shug' is feelin' fine.

I watched "The Color Purple" today and this song stuck out to me. Its called "Miss Celie's Blues". Miss Celie is the focus character of the movie and the song is sung by Shug Avery....the mistress of Celie's husband. By this time in the movie, they have become friends. This is a song of trust and hope sung from one woman to another.
No matter what they had put each other through, that bond lasted and continued and was strengthened!
WOW.

2009-07-28T22:20:00.003-05:00

At camp on Friday night we have a night of sharing, singing and praying called Family Forum. Campers are encouraged to share what they have learned, struggles and victories that they have felt in the past week. So many come forward and share things and then are prayed over by their friends/ brothers and sisters in Christ afterwards. The love felt in that place is overwhelming.
As a counselor, it is different to watch this night. I am flooded with sympathy, empathy and prayers for each camper I have called my own. Filled with pride for their victories and happiness if they say that I have been able to help.
But this post isn't about them.
Its about what happens when the room clears out and there are just a few people left. One of my girls sat with another counselor and so I went to give support for her, to let her know I was there, to comfort her. And we did. We listened to her and prayed after. And then we hugged her. And then a friend hugged me. I thought it was just a hug but for some reason he wouldn't let go.
And then, the tears came. Without warning from me, he knew what I needed right then and there was support. And he gave it.
I still don't know how he knew, or why he decided to hang on to the hug but he did. And even though I've told him thank you, I still wonder why you know, and I still wanna say thank you over and over because the theme of the week was Encounters with God, and I know that He was there for me that night.
So thank you friend, for showing me God. Thank you very much.

Killer Tofu

2009-07-27T11:17:00.002-05:00

remember all the stuff we wanted off of TV growing up? Remember all the shows that were AWESOME? well, if you dont, go here. Its like failblog but it wins and makes you awfully nostalgic for the old days :)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p7c3bQQmwVE

2009-07-15T23:58:00.003-05:00

I have been told the parables of Jesus since birth. No really, thats what happens when you grow up CoC- the parables get ingrained into you. You hear them over and over and accept what you are told about them, no questions asked. Ever.

But then you hear it. The story is no longer just another Sunday School lesson. Its God, speaking to you telling you something you need to hear, prompting you to ask questions;Do I believe what has been fed to me or do I have my own faith? Who am I in this story? What can I do to not be that person?

Todays question is "Am I really worth it to leave those 99 sheep to come and find me?"
Wherever I ended up getting off the path, am I important enough to leave others unattended? Do I resent those who come in last and get the same amount as I did for less work? Why do I care about the amount of work when its for your glory? How much longer until I realize I can stop feeding pigs and come home?

Ok, so more than one question but we read more than one parable. And there are so many more to read and let God speak to me through. How is God speaking to you?

2009-07-11T00:27:00.002-05:00

There is something in my spirit that has loved the places books are able to take me. This love was instilled as soon as I taught myself how to read and it has never left. I've never found a book that could get the best of me, I eventually finish everything. In some cases, I simply never put the book down and read until it is finished.

Needless to say, the summer I was 16 I drove three places, to work, home from work and to the library. I have this system, wander down an aisle and pick up books with interesting artwork/titles and read the back. If the summary seemed to be something that remotely interested me, I would read it. I have read many random books that way!

One book I picked up was called "Summer Promise". It was the first book in a series about a girl who was 15. Her name was Christy Miller and she lived this way cool life in California with friends who loved God. It took me a bit(maybe a month) to track down all the books but I did it and read her entire love story with God and the man who he made for her (the series ends with her graduating college and getting married). The author saw fit to pen books for two other important characters in Christy's life. Sierra and Katie. I have been reading the Katie series for the last three years (one book every summer) and love how this fictional character goes through some of the same struggles I go through. Anyway, this last book is called Coming Attractions. It hints at the things God has planned for our lives as coming attractions and that we are to wait on him until they arrive. At one point in the book, Katie writes herself this reminder of God's plan:
Dear Katie, I have it all figured out. Keep trusting me and stay tuned for coming attractions. Don't forget: You too are a victim of my grace.
Love, God
The grace-victim thing will be another post for another day :)

With all the thinking about my future, graduation and what I will do after, it is hard to remember that God knows. When I ask for his guidance he will be there in the still small whisper as long as I am still and waiting for his answer.

Wow, this post turned out to be longer than I expected but I wanted to leave you with this verse

Point out the road I must travel;
I'm all ears, all eyes before you.

Teach me how to live to please you,
because you're my God.
Psalm 143:8, 10

2009-07-06T22:40:00.004-05:00

Just another manic monday
-nearly finished painting the bathroom
-saw an old friend and laughed obnoxiously at high school shenanigans we pulled
-had a hankering for, bought and ate cookie cake
-had my grandfather get taken to the hospital for what, we don't know yet but think it is because of the aforementioned paint
-home before 11 jeeves.
- finished how i met your mother and am anxiously awaiting Sept. 21
- one month and twenty three days until my birthday. im saying this because last years day while thoroughly enjoyable was not the day i desired with friends. this year better be awesome so im getting the idea in your head now. So kaitlin and amanda [who are the only people reading this....or at least commenting :)] youve got a little time ;)

Just another manic monday.........

2009-07-01T22:53:00.002-05:00

sometimes i just have to throw up my hands and ask "what more do you want from me?" im not like them. I never was. Hi im Courtney your theatre-loving/desk job hating/ bad with money daughter who cant keep her room clean, does her best to never let her friends down and cant say no if someone asks nicely. I over schedule myself, am slightly ADD and a little Dyslexic im sure of it. I talk too fast and buy too much shampoo and not enough conditioner. I hate taking out the trash and love loading the dishwasher. i still think its special if someone wants to do something with me included. i hate talking to people on the phone, love to text and sometimes have a very horrible vocabulary but I love God, I love my family and I love my friends. i do what i do to make others happy so that maybe one day, i can be happy in return.

what more do you want from me?

Camp Smiling Acres

2009-06-22T09:19:00.004-05:00

Is the greatest place on earth! You just think there are wonderful places with wonderful people but camp trumps them all. And if you would like, I can come up with at least 150 signed statements :)
This year, everything just seemed to go well. I loved the lessons, the girls in my cabin were awesome and responsive and we all learned what our love languages are ( mine is NOT touch Amanda...touch does NOT equal love). I loved strengthening relationships. I think that was my favorite favorite part of my favorite place.
This week the theme was encounters with God. our youth minister talked about baptism one night and gave the analogy of us, the sinner, walking into a white room. Everything is perfect except for us we are dirty, muddy and sweaty. Jesus walks up and takes on everything that was on us. There was no need for that, he did it because he loves us. I really loved that analogy. It stuck with me all week and it did with the kids too. Anyway, during our Selah (quiet time) I had some really great discoveries. I really hope that I can take everything that I learned this week and use it
I pray that I can keep being there for the kids
I pray that I listen to God.
I pray that the relationships that have been forged stay solid. Its so awesome to see these kids want to spend time with one another-and weird to be the "adult" present......they LOVE to remind me about that lol

51 weeks until next year..........who is ready?

Camp Smiling Acres

2009-06-13T14:43:00.002-05:00

Here I come!
My favorite part of every summer since I was like 10 is here again! Holllllaaa!

Send me mail?

Courtney Myer
Camp Smiling Acres
933 Smiling Acres Road
Greensburg, LA 70441

back with stories in a week!

2009-06-08T23:57:00.003-05:00

Since my sister is in Australia and has left a vacant spot at my mothers preschool, I am currently a sub. I generally work in the afternoons but today I worked ALLL day. Seriously. The fact that I work in the afternoon allows me to spend a couple of minutes with my mom before leaving work and going home or wherever I end up. Any who, all this to say, we talked today for a much longer time than expected. She brought up my depression, which she rarely, if ever does. I actually felt comfortable enough to tell her about seeing a counselor last fall. I felt as if a burden had been lifted off of my chest. It was nice to hear her say good things about me and pray for me and tell me she was willing to help/get me help. I nearly couldn't believe what I had heard when she said that.
Now to see if there is any follow-through. lets hope.......

if you can read this i miss you.........

and maybe this will make you smile

2009-06-01T07:58:00.002-05:00

Summer has begun! I am babysitting three wonderful kids this summer. Twin 10-year-olds and a one-year-old. The girls are great and helpful with their baby brother who is still a little wary of me. I'm certain he will come around soon!
Hmmm, lets see what has happened? Well my parents went to Venezuela and are returning today! Im excited, I hate keeping this house clean by myself hahaha, but I really did miss them and can't wait until 4 pm!
I have had a great time spending time with friends. Its nice to be in a place where I have to turn offers instead of beg for them sometimes. Don't get me wrong, Sonic runs with people are great but only occupy so much time...... So here's to friends who lunch, who go shopping, and to movies and hang out in the church parking lot. I appreciate you all so much. Y'all are one of the reasons I don't hate coming home for the summer. Not that I felt wanted anywhere else, but I would have nosed my way in anyway and felt left out and then a horrid cycle would have begun that no one would want to participate in!
Oh! My hard drive crashed. I lost EVERYTHING. It was bad. I was very sad. The Apple store here replaced my hard drive here for FREE. It was good. I was very happy. The thing is I cannot currently put music from my iPhone to the computer, I'm having to upload EVERYTHING again, luckily the iTunes store can do that (another service I received for free) but the things from others will stay on my phone for now.
I joined the Y. The were forced to redo their rooms to compete with the Overpriced Fitness Center down the street and I reap the benefits because they have a TV in each treadmill! And an awesome weight room and another for free weights!
Camp is in two weeks! Im excited, we are praying for a great week! The theme is Encounters with God. Our theme for Cafe' Smiley is "Alien Encouters" hahaha it was all we could think of, but we are excited! I think I may go as either Uhura or a Tribble. Or maybe an Ewok....they were so deceptive or maybe Optimus Prime (I must admit I have a crush on that particular transformer.Or Megan Fox, only an alien could be that hot. Whatever I decide, I think that night will be outta this world!
My poor sister has to have her third root canal this week today. But of course on wednesday she goes to Australia so I can't make myself feel that bad for her!

i need a vacation, but am looking forward to Branson in August!!!

2009-05-01T10:27:00.002-05:00

dear readers,
im done with this for awhile, its hard to talk when the people who listen aren't there. Im going on a blog break and taking advantage of the people God has shown me who are willing to listen.
and strangely enough, writing this has lifted a burden off of my soul.
*courtney

Things I learned from Sex and the City

2009-04-29T00:40:00.002-05:00

(don't worry, these will be clean)
So, I have spent this last week in mostly, with nothing big planned watching the ENTIRE series of SATC. I laughed, cried and learned with them and I often wondered if SJP would ever button her shirt down past her bra line. Seriously, you aren't a lyrical dancer, buttons are there for a reason.
But I digress, the most important thing I learned was that everyone deserves the best friends. The kind that know you, the kind that you can lean on and that will lean on you. The kind that will both avoid and address topics that could hurt you and the kind that refrain from saying "I told you so" and will hold you when you cry.
I learned that it is ok to shop your feelings away (this was merely confirmed)
I learned that relationships can look wonderful on the outside but be terrible on the inside
I learned that people can and cannot change. It depends both on their willingness and the type of person they are
I learned that if people aren't willing to change, there is little reason to put faith in them
I learned that no matter how insignificant it seems, a broken crush still needs time to grieve
and lastly I learned exactly why my mother won't allow us to watch this show in the house hahahahahaha!

2009-04-24T01:21:00.002-05:00

sometimes
"theres the kind of support you ask for and the kind of support you don't ask for. and then theres the kind that just shows up"

-Carrie, Sex and the City

i'd kill for any type right now.

of course, those who take the time already know, but this quote really hit me just now. and its causing me to ask the question
"Where are we for each other?"

# 200

2009-04-19T20:05:00.008-05:00

200 posts on this blog. WOW!
Its huge, I mean, really theres alot on here about me, about my life, my friends, my feelings. I don't feel completely free on here to say everything, but I do say a lot. And really, its for me. This is an online journal where I can write some things that I feel like getting off my chest.
My friends are here too. Well, some of them. They blog about their lives, they share happiness and pain and victories and defeats.
I toyed around with how I could make this post really special I thought about making a list of 200 things about me (and you) but I can't honestly think about 200 things that you guys don't know about me. So, I figure I would tell YOU something that you may not know I think about you. Little things that I love about the people that I KNOW read my blog (because of comments left here like this semester)
So, here we go (in alphabetical order boys first, then girls...not playing favorites)

Kevin
can you believe it that we have made it here this long? so many fun times and memories! they are all just on big wonderful blur! We graduate in DECEMBER there should be a party. I love you

Kris
sweet guy! you have such a wonderful and giving heart and you love fun music and cars and are such a sweetheart. you are pretty much my favorite Kris with a K. Love you

Lucas
you are home! how wonderful! and you came to visit TWICE! even better. and you are a good friend and person. you have listened to me whine about the same thing over and over...and yet you are still my friend. i think you should go do a flip for those people over there :) love you

Amanda
remember that time when we went to england together? that was fun. and then we came back and had that room all to ourselves? oh and before that, Hurricane Katrina, 'hoods, our song about Michelle, La Finca, SVU, You're the one that I want, Dancing with the Stars (when is was AWESOME haha), watching to catch a predator and oh so many other things? we have been through so much, no one else here knows me like you do and you are a great person. sometimes we have ESP and its kind of freaky but I guess that are so close couldnt have anything less than that. I love you.

Amber
you are great! a wonderful roomate, a great piper and friend. you are an encouragement even when i would rather you not be so darn peppy :) im happy you confide in me and i hope that we continue to be great friends even when we arent roommates. and hey, we should watch the invisibles sometime soon! love you

Ashley
dear ebeneezor. I love that we can sit and "watch" tv for hours upon hours together and make up silly names and you are wonderful. do you know that? you are truly amazing. I don't think you hear that enough But i think you ought to know it. Love you

Kaitlin
Out of everyone on this list, we have known each other the longest. Honors Symposium was wonderful for me, remember you reading "The Ones Who Walk Away from Omelas" and all of us feeling so very odd and ridiculously giggly after because that story was just so weird! I am so very glad that over the years, we have remained friends and theatre buddies and that we fet to go on Sonic dates. Our love for "In the Heights" is incomparable. I cannot believe that I am blessed to know someone with such a wonderful heart as yours! You are an amazing listener and I cannot believe how much I am going to miss you! I can't wait until we are older and have cats named Pebbles and Bam-Bam and live in Hawaii. Love you

Lauren
You and me, we are great friends! I have missed you so much while you have been adventuring in Italy and other places abroad. I'm glad we have matching shirts and share in a love for white v-necks. I cannot wait to hear all about your trip and finally go to Coltons! Love you

Mary
Oh mary mary, you are great! i think that you are funny and pretty [;)] and spending time with you is always great fun! costume shop for the past year....you sewing your finger, us talking about anything and everything. its been really great! Love you

Megan
we go on drives and share our lives. we have seen the church with the frogs and we pick on Adam. I couldnt ask for anyone else to do that with. Je t'aime. Tu es une belle amie

Michelle
Proof here that I am horrible with keeping in wonderful touch with friends, I miss you! I love your passion for whatever work you are doing and your amazing hope for the future. I miss so much our conversations late at night, when we both should have been sleeping, about amazing things, God, guys, gossip (the three G's?). I love seeing how your life unfolds as to the things you get to do! The amazing opportunities oh! I am so jealous! Love you

Friends are what makes my world go round. They are truly the family you get to choose and all of you have a huge place in my heart. I really do love all of you

2009-04-12T23:56:00.002-05:00

sometimes people surprise me

they listen
they drive all night( and sort of go AWOL) to visit
they help us win Spring Sing :)

this has been a good weekend. it was great actually. i wish though that there had beem more time for everyone. i wish there were more here that i could share with

in other news, i dont like coke anymore. its gross. im all about getting used to Crystal Light and have been working on my kool-aid/sweet tea addiction.

Gonna Have to be honest here

2009-04-07T00:07:00.002-05:00

Because the people who actually read this love and care about me (i hope/think)

Im struggling. You probably noticed. Chances are I told you I was fine
Chances are I have snapped at you about something silly. You should know I am sorry. I wish I could take it back. I'm sorry

I wish I weren't so ridiculous and that this wasn't going to be labeled as an "emo" post but its not just stress from school or Spring Sing. Its me. Theres something wrong and Im struggling with how to deal.

I need your prayers so I can pray again, I need a hug and a really good cry. But most of all, I wanna be a good friend. Help me to do that please.

2009-04-06T00:49:00.001-05:00

I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do.

Romans 7:15

Pretty much sums up my life right now.

2009-04-05T01:26:00.002-05:00

Marley & Me can make me cry
but otherwise I am pretty numb to what is going on around me.
I laugh at appropriate times and am still frustrated with others but I don't think it is actually what they say, its the motives behind the words.

Numb is nice right now.

2009-03-29T22:37:00.002-05:00

holding back
holding in
holding up
holding down

Walking Away

2009-03-26T21:30:00.002-05:00

If I left
Who would miss me? clearly not them, im not worth the thought
Its not terribly drastic, just a jump on my career.
What I want to do will not require a degree, it will not matter in the long run

I have a lot to think about this summer

2009-03-25T21:10:00.002-05:00

I told myself I wasn't gonna blog about it, so I'm not.
But its hard not be be frustrated.

there are words my soul screams aloud but my mouth will not utter

A simple prayer

2009-03-23T18:11:00.002-05:00

Dear God,
I missed your beautiful sunshiney day but I'm glad it was there to make my friends happy.
However, I would like to never ever ever have a migraine again. Ever....did I say that?
Bless my friends, I love them so much.
Also, could you make sure the laundry room is free tonight?
I love you!
In Jesus' name,
Amen

2009-03-18T09:51:00.002-05:00

you know what
praying is good for you
so is reading the Bible.
something in you shifts and i like the shift.

there is a lot of hurt im ready to give to God

Hot Tub Confessional

2009-03-15T21:02:00.003-05:00

I know, what an odd title. But the time we spent in the hot tub was some of the best on the whole trip! (I say we because few others read this, so I've decided to be inclusive today)
We asked questions and answered truthfully. Some were cute, some were embarassing, some helped us get to know each other just that much better. I absolutely loved that, it meant no means a lot to me that we were able to share our thoughts so openly with each other.
My last question was "How is your relationship with God?". I asked because I didn't know. We are at a Christian school and call ourselves such but generally we don't know how each others spiritual lives are doing which is something I have always been saddened about.
I have to admit, I lied. I said that I am angry with God...which is true but becuase of that, I do talk to Him more. I let him know what happened that day and am doing my best to learn how to rely on him more and more. I know that is key to openeing up and doing so much more for him with my life. I also know that prayer alone won't help a thing if it isn't backed up by reading scripture. I love to read just never the right book. I need to discipline myself to reading everyday, past attempts have failed simply because of my lack of discipline. Not this time.

I just don't know if I'm ready for what happens when I finally listen.

2009-03-13T10:10:00.003-05:00

So we are on Spring Break!
And it has been a week of stay up late sleep in, eat one meal and then who knows?
Which is fun
but ive been sick....which makes me lame
and i have this paranoia that makes me feel left out.....which makes me lame
oh well.

2009-03-10T00:07:00.002-05:00

When my patience with others begins to wane I can usually recognize it after a couple of seconds of thinking "SERIOULSY?!?!?!?!".
Sometimes, I just smile and nod and tune out whatever was going on

and Sometimes, I act like a jerk to make them shutup and get my way.

today has been a version of that second option.

oh well